Tuesday, August 23, 2005

me, me and more me...it's disgusting

Periodically, I will go through one of these phases where I really begin to wonder what people really think when they listen to me, or see me. Just what impression are people getting exactly? Is it good? Do people walk away thinking good things? Or is it a mixed bag? Like...wow, Mary. She’s a little special, huh? And then the other guy says..."yeah, but she's been like that as long as I've known her. You'll get used to it. She really is a good girl."

No one really sees herself as she really is. No one can be totally self-aware. If we were, we’d recognize immediately the bad stuff we do, or the lunacy in what we say, or the faults we show to others unwittingly.

Sometimes I’ll throw a comment out that seems perfectly appropriate, reasonable, non-strange, or otherwise perfectly orthodox. But then I witness the REACTION to what I’ve said. And based on that reaction, I can tell either that my comments were indeed rational, appropriate, etc. – or – not.

Fairly often, my friends will do that little inward-chuckle thing, as if to say “oh, mary…” or maybe their eyes widen and shift focus, after I’ve merely expressed an inner thought. That’s when I know…I just said something abnormal.

Here, let me give you an example…

On Sunday, I approached a good friend because I wanted to apologize for a thoughtless remark I had made at a party the night before. Not a big deal, but still something I shouldn’t have said. So I walk up to her, and this is what I say…

“[Friend by name], can I talk to you for two seconds? I need to say something, and I know you may not think there’s any reason for me to say it. But this is more for my benefit than for yours, so I hope you’ll indulge me here.”

And then my friend began to laugh. Which greatly surprised me. Now is that a strange thing to say? What’s your take? Would you have laughed at that statement?

YOU KNOW WHAT? Maybe it’s not WHAT I say, but HOW I say it. I wonder what my face looked like as I said it. Maybe it was the speed with which the words were uttered. Not sure.

I guess I just feel really sheepish when I don’t understand why what I’ve just said merits a surprised or diverted reaction. I feel like I should be in better tune with just how I’m coming across.

Other days, I just think to hell with all ya’s.

You guys would tell me if I’m being ridiculous or ignorant, right? Oh, I am so neurotic. They need to invent some kind of shunt for the brain for peeps like me.

M’kay. Just forget everything I said. Bye.
Well, I don't ACTUALLY know you, but my impression is that you're funny and smart and all in all a very nice person.

As for that statement, I think it would depend on how it came out. If it was said very seriously, then I probably wouldn't laugh. But if it was said really quickly like one long run on sentence and with exasperation, I might laugh. It also might depend on if I have a clue as to what it is you were gonna say.
Hey Mary, don't worry about it. In fact just forget about it.

I know completly how you feel and some things are better left alone. Trust me! I have become a PRO-fessional conversation STOPPER. Yeah, ya know the plug in your kitchen sink, thats me. I am usually the one who says the thing that instantly stops the conversation.

Talk about making someone paranoid, it comes to a point where you think, "Why say anything at all? No one wants to ba a plug." But you know what, I really enjoy talking and life would become really boring if I cut talking out of it. So WHO CARES!!!! I don't really mind being a plug after all.

Plus I think you're grand and you always have brilliant things to say. And for those who don't understand you, I can tell them, "No worries you get used to her after awhile." JK!
who cares what people think. so long as you're not telling people to f off, i think you have nothing to worry about in terms of caring about how you come across and how others perceive you. with that said though, i still am learning to watch myself and check in on the interacting skills when necessary. you figure that by still being yourself but being considerate of others too and how communication/interaction works- 2 way street. gotta respect that,. sending and receiving- most people think they're only responsible for the sending part. but gotta think about how stuff's received and think about who the person is receiving. further, i think people can and need to reach a point where they are sufficiently self-aware, if not fully self-aware. goes back to taking care of numero uno first.
and finally,
we are who we are. and that's the way it's going to be. words to live by, bob marley.
here's another one. maybe you're just living amidst one stifflyy mcstifferson after another and they don't know how to let it all flow and be. p.s. christopher walken is so hilarious. i know! i was there! dear dickens i was at the train station downtown one night and was gettin real tired of people just being all stiff and mean and like robots so i did what i like to call a sociological experimentationale with sister jennie. we stood at the head of the T, smiled at people as the turned in and walked down to the T and no one. NOT ONE person smiled but more obvious and apparent was they all were painstakingly uncomfortable with someone smiling at them. it was unreal. granted i was there for about 15 minutos and it was after 5 so rush hour and people were grumpy after work but still. ya'll don't see it at least that bad over here west side. chillax. words to live by, ally gottlieb. not sure if that even at all correlated but there it is anyway. login and publish. peace out.
I love sociological experiments like that. I also like if someone comes into the elevator really grumpy to very cheerfully say "Have a nice day!" when they get off... it throws them off and they usually don't quite no how to respond. This is also funny if you know me b/c I am totally not a cheerful person most of the time.
Well, thank you all! I remember Laura's experiment. Maybe it is the water.

Thanks everyone for allowing me a neurotic post like that one, and thanks more for adding your insights to it!
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