Monday, October 30, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
This man makes me weak.
Do yourself a favor: download this man’s music: Right Where I Need To Be, Life Ain’t Always Beautiful, Man to Man, his cover of Blink 182's "Best I Ever Had" - - anything really. Good stuff.
My friend Tania and I saw Rascal Flatts a couple weeks ago, and Gary opened the show. Mommy. The man is beautiful. He was in this tattered old red t-shirt, blue jeans, his hair had grown out a little, and his face was scruffy. He’s a bit thinner than photos I found online; maybe it has something to do with his wife’s death two years ago. His devastation is more evident in his music than in his appearance. Of course, bleeding hearts of countless women everywhere are busting wide open for this baby doll.
The most remarkable thing about him, though, was his genuine humility and gratitude for everyone in that arena. During instrumental breaks, he’d just look around at us in wonder, shaking his head. It was a beautiful thing to watch a sorrowful man stare out into his blessings and quietly take it in.
Anyway, y’all better take a listen.
Labels: love and stuff so
things which make me pause…
In front of a church building, there was a large sign which read in big letters: GET YOUR CHURCH ON!
On a busy street, I nearly collide into a man holding a large Bible and shouting, SHOUTING, the Redeemer’s name over and over. Angrily. I wondered if he even liked Him.
On Sleep Patterns
I’ve awakened every night for the last two weeks faithfully between 3:00 and 3:15 a.m.
Hitting me every October for the last three years. Including this one.
On an Evening like Last Night
Terramia, walking through chilly North End with spicy hot chocolate, Zeppelin, views of the city skyline that take your breath away, and a wonderful friend.
Friday, October 20, 2006
all out there now...
“Some people wear their smile like a disguise. Those people
who smile a lot, watch the eyes. I know it ‘cause I’m like that a
lot. You think everything’s okay, and it is, till it’s
-Ani DiFranco “Outta Me, Onto You”, Dilate
Do you know this song? This song is angry. Understatement. I’ve been rediscovering it this week after a six year absence from it. Six years ago, I could have been singing lead vocal instead of Ms. Ani here. Listening to it again, years later, I’m amazed at how much in me has changed. Even more startling, though, is how some things have not. Yet.
142 days and counting. My wilderness: Anxiety, insomnia, sobbing inexplicably, forgetting important stuff at work, psycho mood swings, trials, flashbacks, nightmares, stress, and hard, hard, hard. It started small and has grown big. Till now I have chosen, and will continue, to emphasize all the positives which have also been experienced simultaneously. Because there are many, many good things at work here.
At the end of spring 2006 I made a decision to change some things up in my life. In some of my prayers I began to sense that there were things going unnoticed and unattended to in my private realm. It was time to deal with that. I knew I needed to shake things up, establish some distance with my comfort people, get out of old routines and roles, to make room for whatever it was that needed my undistracted attention. The Lord didn’t waste any time. Almost from the moment I made the choice to open myself up to whatever was coming, come it did. Now, and as most heavy trials will demand, I am teetering on the very edge of my faith. I have seen where I’ve failed the test on certain days, and I’ve definitely seen where divine powers have lifted me up. Every day feels like a battle. And I am so tired. I’ve tried to keep it private. Mostly because I "wear [my] smile like a disguise". But even still, there are times to talk about it and, to quote Ani again, there are times when "I would rather just shut up and do."
I guess it’s not so private anymore now, is it? Maybe because I know I’ve turned a corner with some of this. Now it’s okay. Now I'm on to a better plan: the living, breathing, in-and-out blend of both happy and sad, both strong and weak, ugly and beautiful, dark and light. All of it. In one woman. For all to see. Indeed, there are many, many good things at work here. But first, I need to go back and walk through a little more hell. So think good thoughts for me. Thanks.
One more thing, just so you know I really am okay…
I saw this guy on the street today, he must have been 93 years old, wearing a full brown wig of the most fake looking hair I’ve ever seen. Reminds me of the time I was walking down Charles Street last summer, and saw a guy very similar, late eighties, polyester jumpsuit, walking a small dog, wearing BLACK hair. Full head of fake black hair. I wanted to follow him into the coffee shop he was entering, sit down in the seat across from him, and with all the gentility and kindness I could muster, say to him:
Sir, about your wig. You’re not fooling anyone. Take the darn thing off.
[For you, Sethie.]
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
sorry, mom. you can't count on me.
What does it mean when you don’t want to go home for Christmas? I submit that it depends upon your reasons. Let’s take a look at mine:
1) I have an obscene lack of motivation to fly anywhere except directly into my hometown;
2) To fly into my hometown will cost me over $600
3) There is no way in hell I’m spending $600 on a plane ticket.
4) I have an obscene lack of motivation to fly anywhere except directly into my hometown.
5) I know that 1 & 4 are identical.
6) Leave me alone.
7) The idea of holiday traveling makes me squirm like a 4 year-old in stake conference. Hate it. Don’t wanna. Just picture me sliding off my folding chair in the overflow/cultural hall area right now.
8) Now that I’m making more money, I kinda don’t wanna spend any of it.
9) What’s that about?
10) I’m eerily curious about what it would feel like to spend Christmas by myself.
So, as you can see, my reasons have nothing to do with not wanting to see my family, or not loving them. It’s more about….it’s…all it’s really about is….is just….
Heavens. It means I’ve become Ebenezer Scrooge.
When did this happen?
Thursday, October 05, 2006
so good...so good
Exciting announcement: those of you who have been reading this blog for a while now will know that my poverty, my depravity, my lack of wherewithal, and my otherwise fiscally challenging lifestyle has been a common and much repeated theme upon which I write. Of course, I’ve never complained about it. I’ve borne it with great honor and decorum. I say “borne” (past tense) because…..I GOT A BIG FAT STINKIN’ RAISE. More than I expected. Way more. I’ve crunched the numbers, and determined I’m pretty much making one extra paycheck every month from now on. I feel like crying every time I think about it.
My boss brought me in on this news a few weeks ago, but being the paranoid gal that I am, I wanted to wait to announce it here until I had the official letter in hand. When she told me, I burst into tears, like one of those obnoxious twits on The Price is Right after she hears the words…IT’S A NEW LIVING ROOM!! (cue brass, applause, screaming, and hopping like an imbecile.) “Money does this to me, too” my boss said. We reveled together for a moment, I profusely thanked her over and over, and then she asked, “What are you going to buy first? Some big girl shoes?” I only had to think for a moment before my eyes misted over yet again as I answered with, “Noooo, new tires!!!” Because to drive my car in the winter is to want sweet death, and want it nigh. But not anymore! Girlfriend’s gettin’ all-weather tires! Yow! Happy raise to me.
To be serious for a moment, I just want to acknowledge the overwhelming blessing this truly is. I started a year and a half ago at this job, and the salary they originally offered was close to $10,000 less than what I asked. In spite of this, I still felt strongly I was supposed to take it. As a consequence, I’ve learned a ton, I’ve been given new assignments which interest me, I’m writing a play, I’ve been treated like a spoiled queen by two extraordinary women…and now, in only a year and a half, I’m making the salary I originally requested. Life is so unbelievably good.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
(MARGARET, a middle-aged and painfully proficient executive assistant,
professional under any circumstances, and never one to bring
emotion to the office, stands in front of her boss’s desk
with tablet and pen in hand.)
Oh and don’t forget, you have that teleconference at 3:30 this afternoon. Bob Snyder is supposed to forward the agenda from last week’s meeting to you before you make the call. And Joyce Peterson telephoned. You’re scheduled for an early breakfast meeting on the 12th at 7:30. The United Way wants more money. When Mr. Koffel calls back, should I tell him you’re still overseas? Otherwise, he’ll ask me for an appointment, and I know things have been a bit awkward with him since you caught him stealing your Nutrageous bar out of your briefcase at the Chicago conference. Perhaps it’s too soon for actual face time? You seem perplexed. Okay, get back to me on that. (To herself.) What else? Oh, your wife called and Madison’s game is at 4:00 p.m. today, which gives you plenty of time to get there since the tax meeting ends roughly at 3:55. I’ll have the car waiting in front. She also asked me to mention that if you’re not there exactly by 4:00 she’s taking the Pekinese and all your favorite wines with her, quote, “you heartless zombie of a man”. The new associate finally submitted that memorandum you were waiting for regarding former high execs turned felons, and whether federal law has defined them as a protected class yet. I snuck a peek at the last paragraph. Fingers crossed for next year, sir. Your hair appointment has been moved to next Wednesday right before your Bonsai and Sushi class, and your son Josh is coming home from school this weekend because he’s flunking out and needs more money. The treadmill serviceman asked me to tell you they don’t install Diet Mountain Dew dispensers in the console, but you can get a second opinion on that if you like. As for holiday greeting cards, did you decide on the religiously ambiguous “Happy Festive Season” card with the silver snowflakes? Or should we just send everyone a smoked cheese like last year? Last but not least, there is the matter of my pay increase. You will recall, sir, after your mental collapse at the firm-wide barbecue three months ago, you told me in the men’s room, you remember, while I was rinsing out your pants, that you’d be sure to call human resources concerning a bonus for me? It’s been three months, sir, and I still have the occasional debilitating flashback. Perhaps you could check on that for me at your earliest convenience? Thank you. I’ll get Rick on the phone for you now. What was that? Yes, sir, I will remind him that he still owes you five bucks.
Monday, October 02, 2006
In a feat never before accomplished, I managed to leave my cell phone at a friend’s house on Friday night, and another friend’s house the following Saturday night. Conclusion: I really, really don’t feel like talking to anyone right now.
In a feat never before attempted, I managed to lock my keys in my car with the car running in front of a Dunkin’ Donuts. My silver Suzy idled for almost an hour while I tried to find someone to drive me back to my place for the spare key. I missed the first 20 minutes of Saturday morning session. Conclusion: donuts make me stupid. Also fat.
In a feat seldom witnessed in my LDS singles culture, I and my two gals Rachel and Peggy managed to be pampered, fed an OUTSTANDING dinner, praised, loved, massaged, and entertained last night by two wonderful (also sinfully attractive) men (that's m-e-n.) while the rest of my Relief Society sisters were the ones doing all the cooking, pampering, feeding, praising, loving, massaging and entertaining for other brethren elsewhere. Conclusion: more sisters need to take off the apron for two seconds, find real men, and get the same treatment. (I like Peggy’s rule on this: “unless you’re kissing me, I ain’t feedin’ ya.”)
Items 1 and 2, and the symptoms which predicated them, melted entirely away thanks to Item 3. Thanks, boys. Big fat kisses to both of you.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]