Mary + Her Mental Health

On Saturday, after witnessing a really fantastic person and friend of mine get baptized, my friend Renee and I went to a fireside up in New Hampshire.

What I really love about New England in the summer is, it may be sweltering, and the air may be more like a thin layer of wetness you maneuver through than actual air, but dagnabbit, New England stays green. All summer long. Green. Capital G.

We had this gorgeous drive through southern New Hampshire, where at the Exeter, NH stake center, we listened to music and the spoken word live by Steven Kapp Perry. Very fun.

After the meeting, and on the way back to Boston, Renee and I decided to stop in Newburyport (a little seaport town with lots of shops, red brick, fishing boats and lampposts) for a spot of din-din. We didn’t realize that last Saturday, in Newburyport, was the annual Yankee Homecoming Celebration.

YANKEE HOMECOMING CELEBRATION?!?! AWW-RIGHT!

Parking was an adventure. The people were everywhere. The smell of fried dough, kids with painted faces and glowsticks wandering around, a big band playing big band on the outdoor amphitheater by the water, fireworks at 9:15, and let’s not forget - - the random street performers performing their specific performances. It was fantastic!

But I have to tell you about Mr. Contortionist Boy. My favorite.

This kid must have been about 16 years old. I think his Australian accent was fake, which makes him a marketing genius. (See, if you’ve got an accent, you’re exotic, you’ve traveled far to share your trade with the world. It’s legitimizing and intriguing all at the same time. Genius.) Mr. Contortionist Boy (hereafter MCB) wore a head mike and turned into various pretzel shapes to the beat whilst onlookers winced. But the best part about MCB was…any guesses? Yes, his female assistants.

I really want to be an MCB female assistant. Here’s the job description:

1. Stand by a platform, which MCB occasionally uses during his act;
2. Wear profoundly unflattering unitard with horizontal stripes and jazz shoes;
3. Don a side-ponytail circa 1984.
4. Look bored;
5. Clap fatigue-ishly after each new body pretzel;
6. Raise one arm in Barker-Beauty fashion after a particularly difficult pretzel shape, then clap;
7. Start and stop obnoxious noise emanating from small boombox when signaled to do so;
8. Hold hula hoop;
9. Smiling is optional
10. Must be willing to travel and have no fundamental use or purpose whatsoever.


Well, where the heck do I sign?