Friday, October 21, 2005


Okay, people reading this post may erroneously assume that I’m a quitter or bitter, or need a babysitter. Not true. I’m not depressed, I’m not angry, I’m not hurt…none of the above (although I am a perpetual child). In fact, I feel calm. Solid, sober, and calm as I write this…

I’m finished with dating. I just am. Sorry. If you ask me out, I’ll go. But I’m done hoping that it may evolve into something serious. Dating for dating’s sake is fine. I’m through with purposeful dating, or dating with potential for more. It doesn’t happen. And that’s okay. I’m just done.

It takes too much out of me to hope for more. I believe I can learn to be happy without hoping for love, then live out my existence learning, serving, singing, cooking, visiting, teaching, visiting teaching, and taking care of domestic animals until I perish. I’m really okay with that now. When you think about it, it’s not at all a bad way to live.

I read somewhere that those who don’t find their true love in this life are destined to have major love and bliss in the next. I’ll go along with that, that’s a nice notion. I think I’m done hoping for something like that here. Love in mortality is an old faint shadow of an idea to me these days. I can start fresh in the afterlife. Possibility for love in another world seems far more likely than it does here.

Hoping is not easy, in fact it’s a bit demanding. At least it feels that way. Living self-reliantly I can do. Living self-reliantly meanwhile making heart-space for the potential husband to someday appear - - that is tough living, man. Hoping for true love is starting to feel like a waste of energy. Why not put to something more worthwhile? Or likely?

You can’t say I didn’t give it a chance. I did! 31 years! I gave it a really good chance, and I even came close a couple times. But I think it would be better for my nerves and overall life-longevity if I just continue from this moment on with the assumption that relationship circumstances will not change much from what they are today. I have learned to be happy as a single adult, and I’ve been deeply gratified at the many blessings single life offers. Now I feel the need to get on to the business of THRIVING as a single adult. No more closeted hopes and wasted heart-space. Devote all the hopes and heart to the single life without apology and without reservation.

Some people find it, some don’t. All the same, Jesus loves me, this I know. For my little heart tells me so.
Mary darling,

Like I said last night, I am totally supportive of you taking some time and space to evaluate your own happiness and to just enjoy your life as is without the caveat of having to expect and hope for a Mr. Right to waltz in.

It is wearing to try and be happy in your life while hoping for and expecting something that you just can't predict.

Go and have an awesome life that you will not regret.
I so get you. It just all makes perfect sense to me the way you state it. I have long been in this state of just living to live as a single person without any expectations. And everyone always says "That's great, because if you're not looking you'll find someone" and I just groan.
"That's great, because if you're not looking you'll find someone"

I stopped "looking" years ago, and I assure you, that special someone has not just plopped into my life.

Onto this thriving as a single adult -I find it easier to surround yourself with single friends who are the same way. I'm not saying to forget those who are still putting too much into finding Mr./Ms. Right, it just helps so much having friends that aren't constantly boo-hooing about being single. I've felt at times as though I'm thriving and perfectly fine being single, and then one of my friends starts being all dreamy and crap, and that hope catches on. And then, what do you get? Nothing.

It may sound bitter, but putting too much heart and thought into finding a special someone really can get in the way of you just living out your life to the fullest. And being happy where you are.
g - I join you in your groan. (insert sound of GROAN) That "when you're not looking is when it happens" bit is so tired. People find each other when they are looking, people find each other when they aren't.

Meta - loved your comments, thank you! I suppose my hopes were interfering more than I realized. It kinda sneaks up on you. I am lucky that most of my friends are not relationship-obssessed. Sometimes it's simply a matter lightening up...on yourself and on others! I do okay for the most part. Every now and then, I just let myself get too serious about the whole thing. That's when the histrionics ensue.

I get anxious, I get fed up. I get over it. I'm fine, then I get antsy, then I get anxious, then I get fed up. And on it goes....
This past Spring I came to the same conclusion and started just living my life. I would feel kind of sad if I thought too much about being alone, but at the same time excited about my changed perspective on my life. You saw the results. I think despite the stress I was under and worrying about not having a job, I was more satisfied with myself and where I was headed during the last 6 months or so that I lived in Boston than I have ever been before.

I think that not having that constant hope and ache in my heart helped me to just be happy with myself. People said I was being negative saying that I would be single for the rest of my life, but in reality I think for the first time I was letting myself be positive about just being me and not needing to be part of a couple.

You are an awesome person, Mary, and have so much to give whether it be to your friends and your family and maybe to a man someday if that should happen. Whatever. Just know that you're wonderful.
Love you, Kell.
Regrets: I was single until I was 25 years old and I feel the same lonliness and frustration I felt back then as I do today in my married life. I really wish I could have seen into the future and treasured my single life and all of the benefits it has instead of wishing for Mr. Right and being depressed because he was no where in sight. There were so many things I could have done to occupy my time and learn and grow as a person. I spent so many days being sad and lonely only to get married and find out that married life contained so much more sadness and other emotions as rage and utter exhaustion. I have many friends who have better marriages than I do but their feelings of lonliness, exhaustion and depression are common. I think the answer is life will be what you make it. Being joyful comes from God and circumstances on the outside cannot kill your joy and enthusiam. You don't have to have a lot of money or possessions to get closer to God and develop a better relationship. It's free and right within our grasp. I really have to remember that and take the same approach as Mary is doing -- embracing her single life and making the absolute best out of it. In my case - embracing my married life.
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