Thursday, February 09, 2006
Which Of These Is The Most Pathetic? (cue applause track)
The following five (5) scenarios are actual events taken from Mary’s junior high years. These years represent the emotional equivalent to passing seven kidney stones at once while listening to a live recording of Barry Manilow, all without anesthetic, five days a week for 36 weeks. Your job is to pick which scenario ranked highest on our Pathetic Meter®.
Grand prize winner receives a complimentary urine odor-ridding recipe from StinkyPets.com
1) In 1987, after finishing her sack lunch in the library, by herself, just her lunch, and her book, and her notebook filled with weepy confessions of acute loneliness, Mary was confronted by Derek Kumugai, Trent Suntrapak, and Brian Marklund (ask me if I care that I’m using their actual names) near the geography reading section and proceeded to “fake” pick up on her while the rest of the guys watched from a music booth to see if she’d fall for it. This initial experience was to be repeated at random throughout the remainder of the school year, particularly in public places where onlookers could laugh at all the colorful “pickup” lines used by these just silly boys out for a good time. Mary’s favorite was the New Year’s Eve Party she was invited to (because the girl’s parents made her invite the whole class) and at midnight Trent tried to kiss her on the dance floor, pursuant to a dare.
2) Earlier that year, Daniella Hicks (ask me if I care that I’m using her real name), her one-and-only friend for the first few months of 7th grade, asked Mary to play a game of twenty questions which ended with the correct answer: “Yes, I do want you to move out of the locker we’ve been sharing, because I can’t be your friend anymore.” Daniella then handed her a note (written by Adrienne She Is So Lucky I Can’t Remember Her Last Name) explaining on behalf of the spineless Daniella that Mary was just too different, and that Mary needed to find friends more like Mary. Mary then went home that day and read the 3-page note over and over trying to figure out what she’d done wrong, and cried a lot.
3) After the event noted in Scenario #2, Mary went to befriend the deaf and hearing impaired kids, where she tried hard to learn ASL. After a short while, they ditched her too.
4) Mary became “Hairy Mary” to the girls, immediately after Hillary and Kristen noticed the abundant blond hair on Mary’s legs during Physical Education class. Hillary and Kristen didn’t seem to care that Mary’s Mom wouldn’t allow her to shave her legs until 8th grade.
5) Finally, we have the 8th Grade Graduation Dance. The one where Mary found the perfect dress, got the perfect red pumps, styled a perfect curly side ponytail which according to photographs resembled a large furry rodent that had attached itself to the side of her face, put on her new pink lipstick, and showed up at the gym ready to forget the past two years and have a good time. The DJ announced the last slow song, and Mary, who had been hoping all night to be asked to dance, got tired of waiting, mustered up all the courage she had, and asked Brian to dance.
Mary: Brian? (He pretends not to hear.) BRIAN!
(Brian turns around)
Do you wanna dance with me?
(Mary runs to the bathroom and cries till the end of the dance until her mother and father pick her up in the minivan.)
Mom: Hi, pretty girl!
Father: Well how did it go, kid?
[Mary breaks into more sobs]
Mom: Oh, I’d just like to line up all those damn kids and shoot ‘em one by one!
Father: It’s okay, honey.
END OF SCENE
There you have it folks. Five choices. Which is the Most Pathetic? Cast in your vote today.
[Postface: You know, when I started out to draft this post, I originally thought it would be way funnier than it turned out to be. Because, come on, wasn't junior high the Black Period for most people? I was surprised at how truly awful and sad it is when it's all there written out.
But I decided to post it anyway, because it's real, it's me, (or what used to be me) and maybe some other social reject who is all grown up now will feel a bit less isolated in their tragic pre-pubescent memories.]
I'm gonna have to go with Scenario #5, just because it makes me laugh that mom wanted to mow down a bunch of 13 year olds for you.
Loved your blog. Stumbled upon it and others in your group this morning. I am an LDS stay at home mother of 4 in Seoul Korea (husband is military). Anyways I enjoyed spending my morning laughing at all the funnies. Thanks!
PS look up our blog at
I think I didn't really have horrid times in middle school. I know elementary school was terrible for me. It's all a blur. I blurred in, blurred my way through, and that's probably why it's all a blur today. I can't remember anything. Besides getting hurt during PE or sports all the time. Because I'm a feeble little pansy. Head injuries, too. Wait a minute. Head injuries, blur... oh my gosh. NO WONDER.
i hear ya...Laura and Mandy know how much i hated school Mary. they've been subjected to many an hour of my ramblings regarding all my unhealed teenage scars...
can i just throw in a favorite thing that happened to me (in 7th grade at Ahwahnee Jr. High)? I was leaving to walk home from school and right before exiting the campus the cool girl named Amy LeFores called me over to talk to her. Wow, I thought...Amy has NEVER talked to me before......!
I stop, turn to face Amy feeling somewhat honored to be standing in her well dressed presence and in an instant she yells, "Don't Fall...!" and she pushed me hard and i fell backwards over her friend who had knealt down behind me to become my temporary stumbling block. I landed on my back in the MUD. Then, i "got to" walk the 20 minutes home alone with mud all down my whole body and in my hair and i cried the entire way. Is that just so rotten? how did we ever survive it? or did we??? I swear I still have many of the same fears and insecurities that i had back then. Why - and HOW - are kids that mean to other people? it's amazing. okay.......where's that big bag of peanut M&M's? :(
But this brought back so many baaaaad memories. School was just torture during those years. And the years before. And the years after....
Although in college, I ran into one of those people who was way cooler than I was in 6th and 7th grade (you know... like 98% of the school), and who I probably never spoke to at all despite the fact that we were in nearly every class together. He was trashed, and pretended we were long lost best friends. Then he disappeared and dropped out because of too many drugs. That made me feel a little better about being such a loser during my formative years.
g: it's a strange phenomenon, isn't it, but it seems that most popular people in high school/jr. high don't really make it that far after graduation, unless they're popluar AND brainy or something.
manda: I totally remember hating dropping you off with Dad. I remember knowing EXACTLY how you felt, and helpless to do anything.
hobo: now everyone knows precisely why we call you hobo. and i love you for all your hair, and your lack of concern about it. good on ya, richard. I remember the elementary school trauma, and that evil teacher. Mrs. Shipley's day of reckoning won't be pretty. I don't think I want to be there for it.
anon: so glad you wrote in! It's great to meet you! Hope all is well with your family in Seoul.
I do remember Danielle whats her name stealing a very important necklace from me and threatening to beat me up because I apparently thought I was better than everyone else because I didnt swear like a sailor. Oh and being ridiculed by a well dressed group of girls for admitedly getting my clothes at a thift store. Yes, I realize those were the days of matching Guess outfits, but I was just way ahead of my time.
She didn't hand me a note, but she did tell everyone that I was "dirtier than the 69th position," which was then gleefully spread throughout the entire junior high. Yeah. Fun times, junior high.
LOVE YOU, DANIELLE (NOT THE ONE FROM JR.HIGH. THE ONE FROM BOCO.)
Mary, wow, you remember Mrs Shipley and what happened. I didn't know that. It actually means a lot to me that you knew and care about that! I got knocked around by my 1st grade teacher. She got "fired" but then the following year, my class was pen pals with her class at Lawless Elementary and we took a field trip to meet that class. And I didn't know it until we met at the end of the year and I saw her, faced her and I'll never forget it. She's got fiery eyes of heinousness and just stared at me with this look like "do you remember me?! MUAMUAMUA!!!" OK, blog therapy over. Sorry dudes.
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