Tuesday, February 28, 2006

multiple tales of left thumb atrocities

Tale I
1998 – Chicago
While hurrying to pack a bag for a weekend trip, Left Thumb was maliciously attacked by a falling pink razor from the second shelf of the bathroom cabinet. The all-too-impenetrable plastic protector was not secure, and flew off the sharp predator in a split-second following. Like the bolt of a preying jaguar, the razor leaped as I instinctively tried to catch it with my hand, my left hand. Heaven forbid this ferocious razor hit the floor; what would I do then?! Out of thoughtless instinct, my right hand then reached out to cup the flailing razor into my left hand, when the razor, desperate for freedom, turned over in brutal fashion. In an ironic twist, my right hand pressed the blood-thirsty razor face down into the flesh of…that’s right…Left Thumb. To this day, I have a memoir, a token, or in other words, a bit of a nasty scar just below Left Thumb’s Thumbnail... the size of a pitiful squished lentil bean.

Tale II
2000 – Chicago
3 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Might as well do the dishes. I fill the sink with soapy, hot water and gently, gently, place some large glasses in the sink to wash. As I’m scrubbing, my mind wanders through a maze of semi-conscious notions as I barely begin to register that the water is pink. I have not yet registered any pain as I turn the glass in my right hand over to find the glass I'm holding has a broken edge, a v-shaped jaggedy thumb killer. The glass is vertically broken from its top to its base. I turn my left hand over, the hand holding the sponge, to find that a heart-shaped portion of the skin that covers the inside of Left Thumb’s knuckle is hanging on by a few strands of flesh. I raked poor Left Thumb right over and across the jaggedy edge of that glass. I spend the next hour with Left Thumb held tightly with a dish towel above my head to get it to stop bleeding. Had I insurance, I’m sure stitches would be appropriate. I make a bewildered 4 a.m. phone call to the fire department wondering if it’s a bad thing that it hasn’t stopped bleeding yet. Moral: This tale is especially good for people who have considered living alone. Living by yourself is a great idea provided you don’t buy cheap glasses or have trouble sleeping at night. Incidentally, from this gruesome episode there remains a slightly raised kidney-shaped scar, palm side, over Left Thumb’s knuckle.

Tale III

Feb 2006 – Boston
Meet Red Thumb. That’s not a made-up insensitive reference to Native Americans, it’s actually my thumb…that’s right…Left Thumb. Left Thumb became Red Thumb when I poured boiling, scalding hot water over my hand while trying to make herbal tea for the guests in my living room on a cold Sabbath eve. Thanks to an obliging bag of frozen corn, cold running water administered by my friend Daryl, and the subsequent producing of a local cable telethon, “Save Red Thumb,” providing cash for the purchase of Target-brand Neosporin (thanks for calling, Mom), I’m happy to report that Red Thumb is healing quite well, with little blistering, and very few complications. Red Thumb thanks you for your support.

All these things happening to one thumb. One more nasty thumb injury, and I’m fielding a call from the MCATD (the Massachusetts Center Against Thumb Discrimination) wanting to know why I don’t treat all my thumbs with the same amount of abuse.

It is not intentional! I can’t explain it! Won’t anyone believe me?!
Pobre pulgar izquierda.
Sí, nadie ama mi pulgar izquierdo.
Ouch. I wonder if left-handed people do as much damage to their right thumbs. I have a scarey-looking left thumb myself.
Boo! Boo to burns!
Way to correct mi espanol. You must be a true proficient.
owie Mary....

you might need a margarita...
join me?
that's what you get for drinking herb tea!

again, just kidding about the margaritas...
thanks, everyone, for the sweet sentiments. Red Thumb is really feeling much better.

Oh, and Sarita, the true proficient is this online english-spanish translator I used. No hablas espanol. But keep sending me your comments in spanish, and I'll look them up, and that's how I'll finally getting around to learning spanish, okay?

Kim: i have one really bad addiction to diet coke, and you're welcome to enable me in that! Herb tea is definitely not my friend either! Of course i know you're kidding about the margaritas! Like you even had to say that! I love you, Kim.
Ouch! I think this indicates that from now on, your friends should serve you tasty, hot beverages while you lounge on the sofa protecting your thumb.
That looks so painful! eek! You need to start a Preserve the Left Thumb foundation, so it has a safe place, like a wilderness refuge or something. Or start a research foundation that will look for ways to protect the ever important Left Thumb.
miss hass: i forgot to mention what danika told me the other day. she read that left handers actually don't live as long statistically as right handers. too many accidents, too many trying to live in a right-handed world with moderate success.

personally, i find it comforting. come, sweet release, let me fly home.
i have the Diet Coke habit too...but it's moving into a new Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr.Pepper addiction...
What I can't believe is that you drew a frowny face on the thumb! The moment I looked at it, I thought, "Ow! It'll hurt so much to scrub that off!" You are truly brave for using marker on burnt skin!
Cicada: I only thought of that AFTER we drew it on there. Cuz I'm very smart and stuff. But I couldn't NOT do it! It was too important!
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