Wednesday, May 24, 2006
it's okay to look nice
Today I decided that it's okay to put up a non-funny portrait. "Funny" is great. But "funny" is only truly great when it flies solo, without some other passenger motive. Such as covering up your fear of being truly known by someone, or denegrating others to make you feel better than.
Today i put up a "pretty" picture. I posed for a NY photographer. It's okay to admit that I spent money on pictures of myself. It's part of the industry. It's okay to look pretty.
It's also okay to wear swim suits. I have a phobia of swim suits. I get panicky with just the idea of wearing one. I haven't worn a swim suit in over five years. If I do wear one, I'm usually wearing shorts on the bottom and, when out of the water, a t-shirt on top. But the shorts are always worn. Last weekend, Peggy and I tried on swim suits and I actually came out of the dressing room and showed her and the two other women in the dressing room what I looked like. Peggy had me stand in front of the three-way mirror and see myself wearing a swim suit. This was like pliers to my teeth, and I detested every single minute of it while taking severely deep breaths and fighting back tears. But you know what? It's okay. It's okay to wear swim suits. And someday I will wear one outside of a closet and be okay.
It's okay to, while speaking to boys on the phone, pace through the entire house like a robot bouncing into walls, turn around, then go in the other direction ad nauseum ad infinitum. It's okay.
It's okay if people hear you singing to yourself. Even when you're a trained singer and people might think you're just singing because you're in love with your voice. When that's not really it. You just like to sing.
It's okay to say no and stick to it, when no and sticking to it is really the right thing.
It's okay to not be just funny or clever on your blog. Funny is only part. There's also sincere. And I'm okay with that, too.
and...it is totally OKAY with me that you sing whenever you feel like singing. I wish i could be nearby just so I could hear you. You have one of my most favorite singing voices of anyone I've ever heard. EVER.
P.S. I miss you.
P.P.S. we're in the same time zone right now. That makes me feel better at least!
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