Mary + Her Mental Health

Thanks, Kelly. Sorry, everyone.

What is your salad dressing of choice? Balsamic with fresh gorgonzola.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? In-n-Out’s pretty good. Plus, as a native Californian, I think this is the mandatory response.

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 20% or more unless you are being very lazy, and sometimes not even then. Waitressing stinks most of the time, you guys. Maybe she’s having a really bad day. Maybe her boyfriend dumped her that morning and took off with her VCR. Maybe Table 4 stiffed her, and she’s wondering whether she can make rent this month. So your drink refill took 15 minutes. Okay, yeah, she forgot the lemon. But you went on with life with relative ease, so cut the girl some slack. I’m just saying. Unless she’s screaming epithets in your face, give her the lousy 20%. Many people don’t realize that tips represent perhaps 80% of her salary, so if you don’t tip her she’s making like $2 an hour. That’s like sweatshop wages, dudes. But maybe you really are that cruel.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Cheese and crackers. That’s pretty much what I do eat every day.

Name three foods you detest above all others. Broccoli. Oysters. Yams.

What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Moo Goo Gai Pain, with 27% of the reason being how fun it is to say.

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Marinated mushrooms, spinach, pine nuts, artichoke hearts, smoked cheese.

What do you like to put on your toast? Butter. Not creative enough for ya? Fine. Toenails.

What is your favorite type of gum? Orbit Orange Mint. It’s outta this world!!! (oh, you!)

What is your wallpaper on your computer? Picture of my sisters.

What is your screensaver on your computer? The Windows thingie?

Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? I’m sorry, what?

What kitchen appliance do you use the most? Is the sink an appliance? I use the sink.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes.

Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? Actually I prefer singing at the top of my lungs. Maybe some Bacharach or Tupac. Or sometimes I just make up songs.

When was the last time you had a cavity? Got one now, and thanks to the root canal earlier this year, it’s staying until my benefits renew in January.

What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? This question is dumb. I’m skipping it.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope.

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Okay, see…here’s the problem with these questionnaire things. I’m tired now, I don’t care what I answer anymore.

How do you express your artistic side? I recite the Periodic Table of Elements if it’s none of your darn business.

What color do you think you look best in? Anything that matches my eyes.

How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? If the jumpsuit matches my eyes, six months. If it doesn’t, four minutes.

If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? Yes. All of them. My whole family is totally hot.

Have you ever saved someone's life? You know, I think I’ll just answer with free associations from here on out. Hope that’s copacetic for ya’ll.

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? Bruce Springsteen.

Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Marginally transfixed.

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? Hope.

Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Lights in windows.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Enrique Iglesias.

Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
French Toast.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Chocolate Babies.

Would you never blog again for $50,000? Cheap and tawdry.

Is it over? Did I win?