Friday, October 20, 2006

all out there now...

“Some people wear their smile like a disguise. Those people
who smile a lot, watch the eyes. I know it ‘cause I’m like that a
lot. You think everything’s okay, and it is, till it’s

-Ani DiFranco “Outta Me, Onto You”, Dilate

Do you know this song? This song is angry. Understatement. I’ve been rediscovering it this week after a six year absence from it. Six years ago, I could have been singing lead vocal instead of Ms. Ani here. Listening to it again, years later, I’m amazed at how much in me has changed. Even more startling, though, is how some things have not. Yet.

142 days and counting. My wilderness: Anxiety, insomnia, sobbing inexplicably, forgetting important stuff at work, psycho mood swings, trials, flashbacks, nightmares, stress, and hard, hard, hard. It started small and has grown big. Till now I have chosen, and will continue, to emphasize all the positives which have also been experienced simultaneously. Because there are many, many good things at work here.

At the end of spring 2006 I made a decision to change some things up in my life. In some of my prayers I began to sense that there were things going unnoticed and unattended to in my private realm. It was time to deal with that. I knew I needed to shake things up, establish some distance with my comfort people, get out of old routines and roles, to make room for whatever it was that needed my undistracted attention. The Lord didn’t waste any time. Almost from the moment I made the choice to open myself up to whatever was coming, come it did. Now, and as most heavy trials will demand, I am teetering on the very edge of my faith. I have seen where I’ve failed the test on certain days, and I’ve definitely seen where divine powers have lifted me up. Every day feels like a battle. And I am so tired. I’ve tried to keep it private. Mostly because I "wear [my] smile like a disguise". But even still, there are times to talk about it and, to quote Ani again, there are times when "I would rather just shut up and do."

I guess it’s not so private anymore now, is it? Maybe because I know I’ve turned a corner with some of this. Now it’s okay. Now I'm on to a better plan: the living, breathing, in-and-out blend of both happy and sad, both strong and weak, ugly and beautiful, dark and light. All of it. In one woman. For all to see. Indeed, there are many, many good things at work here. But first, I need to go back and walk through a little more hell. So think good thoughts for me. Thanks.

One more thing, just so you know I really am okay…

I saw this guy on the street today, he must have been 93 years old, wearing a full brown wig of the most fake looking hair I’ve ever seen. Reminds me of the time I was walking down Charles Street last summer, and saw a guy very similar, late eighties, polyester jumpsuit, walking a small dog, wearing BLACK hair. Full head of fake black hair. I wanted to follow him into the coffee shop he was entering, sit down in the seat across from him, and with all the gentility and kindness I could muster, say to him:

Sir, about your wig. You’re not fooling anyone. Take the darn thing off.
[For you, Sethie.]


i was lost but now i'm found!
was blind, but now i see!
Sweet girl, thanks for your post. It's amazing sometimes to see what people are actually going through underneath (or alongside with) being hilarious and witty.
Mary, I Love your stark, naked honesty. I don't know too many people who are aware of themselves enough to know when they need to "shake things up" especially when that means going from comfortable and "good" to uncomfortable and "bad".

Most of us have plenty on our plates and are barely staying afloat--without putting ourselves out there. You inspire me.

Having said that I want you to know that I have seen the pain behind your sparkling eyes and the weight behind your beautiful smile...Glimpses of the raw Mary. A reminder to me that maybe I've found a place to rest my facade--if only for a moment. Although this could be taken the wrong way...that Mary inspires me too.
I believe you are living in a dangerous time period in your life. Your life is unsettled right now and that limbo stage is incredibly difficult and dangerous!! Your faith and everything about you is being tried and tested. But God is there - as you know -- through the Valley. Hang on - do whatever you have to do - seek Him - seek Him until you find Him in your Valley.
Just get your thyroid checked!

Please tell all the women who feel crazy have their thryoids checked!

My mother was nuts for years, her thyroid was on the Low side of normal, the doctor prescribed 1/2 a dose as he called it... and she is a different woman! She's happy enjoyable and wants to live.
You make me so happy! Yay! You are so not Scooge and one hell/heaven of a woman. Now while it is good and proper for you to be a little PC, I do not have that kind of self restraint. "Take the damn thing off!"
Anon: I am so getting my thyroid checked. In fact, that's something my Mom told me might be the issue. Her thyroid is hypoactive. Thanks for writing.
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