Wednesday, October 04, 2006
monologue
Another shameless request for honest feedback. Thanks!
(MARGARET, a middle-aged and painfully proficient executive assistant,
professional under any circumstances, and never one to bring
emotion to the office, stands in front of her boss’s desk
with tablet and pen in hand.)
MARGARET:
Oh and don’t forget, you have that teleconference at 3:30 this afternoon. Bob Snyder is supposed to forward the agenda from last week’s meeting to you before you make the call. And Joyce Peterson telephoned. You’re scheduled for an early breakfast meeting on the 12th at 7:30. The United Way wants more money. When Mr. Koffel calls back, should I tell him you’re still overseas? Otherwise, he’ll ask me for an appointment, and I know things have been a bit awkward with him since you caught him stealing your Nutrageous bar out of your briefcase at the Chicago conference. Perhaps it’s too soon for actual face time? You seem perplexed. Okay, get back to me on that. (To herself.) What else? Oh, your wife called and Madison’s game is at 4:00 p.m. today, which gives you plenty of time to get there since the tax meeting ends roughly at 3:55. I’ll have the car waiting in front. She also asked me to mention that if you’re not there exactly by 4:00 she’s taking the Pekinese and all your favorite wines with her, quote, “you heartless zombie of a man”. The new associate finally submitted that memorandum you were waiting for regarding former high execs turned felons, and whether federal law has defined them as a protected class yet. I snuck a peek at the last paragraph. Fingers crossed for next year, sir. Your hair appointment has been moved to next Wednesday right before your Bonsai and Sushi class, and your son Josh is coming home from school this weekend because he’s flunking out and needs more money. The treadmill serviceman asked me to tell you they don’t install Diet Mountain Dew dispensers in the console, but you can get a second opinion on that if you like. As for holiday greeting cards, did you decide on the religiously ambiguous “Happy Festive Season” card with the silver snowflakes? Or should we just send everyone a smoked cheese like last year? Last but not least, there is the matter of my pay increase. You will recall, sir, after your mental collapse at the firm-wide barbecue three months ago, you told me in the men’s room, you remember, while I was rinsing out your pants, that you’d be sure to call human resources concerning a bonus for me? It’s been three months, sir, and I still have the occasional debilitating flashback. Perhaps you could check on that for me at your earliest convenience? Thank you. I’ll get Rick on the phone for you now. What was that? Yes, sir, I will remind him that he still owes you five bucks.
(MARGARET, a middle-aged and painfully proficient executive assistant,
professional under any circumstances, and never one to bring
emotion to the office, stands in front of her boss’s desk
with tablet and pen in hand.)
MARGARET:
Oh and don’t forget, you have that teleconference at 3:30 this afternoon. Bob Snyder is supposed to forward the agenda from last week’s meeting to you before you make the call. And Joyce Peterson telephoned. You’re scheduled for an early breakfast meeting on the 12th at 7:30. The United Way wants more money. When Mr. Koffel calls back, should I tell him you’re still overseas? Otherwise, he’ll ask me for an appointment, and I know things have been a bit awkward with him since you caught him stealing your Nutrageous bar out of your briefcase at the Chicago conference. Perhaps it’s too soon for actual face time? You seem perplexed. Okay, get back to me on that. (To herself.) What else? Oh, your wife called and Madison’s game is at 4:00 p.m. today, which gives you plenty of time to get there since the tax meeting ends roughly at 3:55. I’ll have the car waiting in front. She also asked me to mention that if you’re not there exactly by 4:00 she’s taking the Pekinese and all your favorite wines with her, quote, “you heartless zombie of a man”. The new associate finally submitted that memorandum you were waiting for regarding former high execs turned felons, and whether federal law has defined them as a protected class yet. I snuck a peek at the last paragraph. Fingers crossed for next year, sir. Your hair appointment has been moved to next Wednesday right before your Bonsai and Sushi class, and your son Josh is coming home from school this weekend because he’s flunking out and needs more money. The treadmill serviceman asked me to tell you they don’t install Diet Mountain Dew dispensers in the console, but you can get a second opinion on that if you like. As for holiday greeting cards, did you decide on the religiously ambiguous “Happy Festive Season” card with the silver snowflakes? Or should we just send everyone a smoked cheese like last year? Last but not least, there is the matter of my pay increase. You will recall, sir, after your mental collapse at the firm-wide barbecue three months ago, you told me in the men’s room, you remember, while I was rinsing out your pants, that you’d be sure to call human resources concerning a bonus for me? It’s been three months, sir, and I still have the occasional debilitating flashback. Perhaps you could check on that for me at your earliest convenience? Thank you. I’ll get Rick on the phone for you now. What was that? Yes, sir, I will remind him that he still owes you five bucks.
Labels: writing
Comments:
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Is "hilarious" and "painfully realistic" good feedback? I remember my boss asking me to call somewhere and tell them she had been involved in a minor car accident and that was why she was running late. That was the day I started applying to grad school.
hass, I cranked this out in less than an hour. That's what happens when you write what you really, really, know. Really.
Wonderful -- zany and so true of our executives and attorneys today!! Their schedules and what we do for them. When I was 19 and extremely innocent, I started my first legal secretary job. One of the senior partners asked me to drive to "G" Street (basically China town) stand at the certain corner and wait for a black Lincoln to pull up. I was to hand them an envelope he provided to me (large brown envelope with something soft and powdery of which I was under no circumstances was to open). He had me make three such deliveries at different corners and different cars. However, this stopped after I told my boss what I had been doing. At the time I really did not think much of it because during my legal secretary classes the instructor often made comments like -- "If your boss wants to you deliver his dry cleaning - just do it because you're getting paid either way." I'm so lucky I did not get arrested!!!
# posted by 
: 4:44 PM
: 4:44 PM
Mary: I remember you telling me about that! It's such a shame that these unscrupulous figures rob us of our innocence and ability to trust! I'm sorry...was that bitter?
mooney: My Mom said the same thing. I read it to her over the phone, and she said I'd need someone with great timing. Perhaps you'd be interested in the role?
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mooney: My Mom said the same thing. I read it to her over the phone, and she said I'd need someone with great timing. Perhaps you'd be interested in the role?
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