Thursday, March 08, 2007
i have no work ethic
So ladies, I’ve got a new line on a great new weight management system. I say “weight management” because “diet” is off-putting to potential consumers these days. It’s so important to me that I not put off the fatties so they’ll buy my pitch and make me rich. As I was saying…
If you want to lose those stubborn 26 inches, here’s what you do:
1. Move to Boston and live here from January to March.
2. Don’t go grocery shopping more than one time per month, and don’t buy much when you do.
3. Never get up in time to pack an adequate lunch before you go to work.
Of course you’ll be hungry around lunch time. You may even be starving. Indeed, you might even be nigh unto death, experiencing heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, cold sweats, hot sweats, fingernail sensitivity*, as your body clings to life sans nourishment. But you will not be tempted. You’re not going out there. Why? Because if you do you know that, within seconds of being out the door, your face will be completely ripped off by a wind so Arctic, so vengeful, so vicious, you will not have lips to eat with. Your ears will instantly become little round ice wafers attached to your head. The top layer of skin on your thighs will burn and split like cracks on an iced-over pond and your hands will just break off at the wrists like blocks of snow falling from a roof. Yea, tis true. You’d rather pass out from hunger or ration that last stale Triscuit that fell out of the box last year and for some reason is still living in your bottom desk drawer than walk into Satan’s Winter Wasterland. Just three months, and you’re gonna be soooo thin! Woo hoo!
It’s so fun to exaggerate the weather out here. I mean, it is cold, yeah, but…anyway, it’s fun.
*I freaking love What About Bob.
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