Monday, March 19, 2007

who wants to be a doctor?

Over the last little while, two of my wonderful, brilliant and fabulous roommates have been getting rejection letters in the mail from PhD English programs nationwide. Apparently, this has been quite a difficult and competitive year for this type of degree. Both of them are now on Spring Break from their master’s programs, and each of them asked me to open any letters from colleges that come in their absence and call them with the verdicts. Over the weekend, I had the horrible task of writing the following email:

Dear Roomie 1 and Roomie 2,

I wanted to let you know that you both received letters from This University today, and with all the pain in my heart, I tell that neither of you were accepted. The letter did mention how competitive the program this year is, and how it really came down to the right "fit" over qualifications, since both of you had perfect qualifications and credentials.

Roomie 1, you also received sad/stupid/not the right answer letters from This Other University and Yet Another University.

I hated every minute of writing this email, and I love you both. You can come to my PhD program, as soon as I get one. That's for sure.

Mary and Roomie 3

This actually got me thinking…if I had a university, what kind of PhD program(s) would I offer? Here is a short list, just off the top of my head:

1. Piracy
2. Foot Modeling
3. Intergalactic Languages
4. Mimicry
5. Looking Busy
6. Unhelpful Side Commenting
7. Hopping

If there are any subjects you’d like to receive a doctoral degree in, please be sure to add it. Many thanks.

Sincerely, Mary
President of the University of Mary – Xanadu, MA
Arrgh! I so want to be a Dr of piracy! Although all those others sound mighty tempting as well.

Is there any chance of a program focused on balancing breakfast for 6 different people along with a 32 oz Diet Coke as you get out of the car with a really big purse? Because I would be really interested in that.

Love....your sisters childhood friend from the cul de sac down the street.
I'd like to be a master of willpower.

Dr. Willpower.

Then I could do or abstain from anything I felt neccesary. Sign me up dean of admissions!
Facial Distortion, emphasis on Muppet Resemblance.
Back-seat Driving

Constructing the Perfect Text Message

Rumors and Speculation
Doctor of Awesomitude, with an emphasis in Rockingness.
Ohhh, me! Me! Pick me!

I would like a Ph.D in Sarcasm, please!
lounging?...and every Ph.D recipient receives a lounge chair signed by the faculty.
or...being electrocuted.
do you have any scholorship offerings? cause i wouldn't mind becoming a permenant student as long as there is financial aide.

can i get a phd in gchatting? are classes available online?
I am adding every single one of these subjects of study. You guys, I have the best university EVER.
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