Mary + Her Mental Health

WARNING: this post might be too disgusting for some readers.


My boss told me the most interesting story today. She got a call this morning from a good friend of hers, who happens to be a vice president overseeing the human resources department of her company. This morning she walked into her office and found someone had pooped on her carpet.
“There’s a pile of crap in my office,” she tells my boss. My boss says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” “No,” says her friend. “There’s a pile. Of crap. In my office.”

Apparently the specimen was definitely human. I thought maybe someone brought their dog in or something. Is it all possible her office could be mistaken for a bathroom? Has she fired any neanderthals recently? Or maybe a three year-old without his pullups?

Boss and I decided to break this puzzle down into three categories: 1) Premeditations; 2) Logistics; and finally 3) Investigational Strategy.

1. The Premeditations of Mystery Pooper

Pooper: I am one disgruntled professional. I need to send a message. I have legitimate grievances which need addressing. I need my employer to hear my
concerns and take the necessary steps to correct the errors made against me. But
how? How to express it? What’s the best course of….(snap) OF COURSE! IT’S SO SIMPLE! Yet so perfect. (Throws on a pot of strong coffee, laughs low and maniacally.

2. How They Did It

Was the poop in question transported to said office from another site? Or did he/she stake out the office for hours before running in there when the coast was clear? Were there accomplices/lookouts while business was being conducted? And how can you predict how much time you’ll need to complete the mission? I like to imagine that someone was standing outside the door holding a boombox playing the theme to Mission Impossible so Mystery Pooper would stay focused.

3. Tracking Down the Mystery Pooper

Now that my boss’ friend has called for the carpet cleaners to come, perhaps she should take a sample before all evidence is destroyed. How else is she going to catch
the rogue? I’d also like to see the memo sent out to all employees relating to this investigation. Or maybe she should just get on a bullhorn:

All right everybody. I know one of you did it. One of you pooped. So today you’ll all be getting a little kit interoffice. We need a stool sample from every single one of you. We’ll compare it with the sample taken from the crap on my carpet. We take human excrement very seriously around here. Make no mistake. We will find you. Mystery Pooper.

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