Wednesday, August 01, 2007

four days with eharmony

A friend and I decided to set up profiles on eHarmony. Why? For the blog. I do all this for you. It’s true. I’m not looking for dates, I’m good with that for a change. But I always need something to blog about. And my mouth salivated when my friend suggested an online dating profile. The entertainment value from one online dating account is sure to divert both me and…well really just me. Which is all I care about. Yeah, yeah, save the spotted tiger, stop the rain forests, yadda yadda. How many comments?! How many?! Two?! This world is utterly pointless if I get only two comments. I need more love than that. I figure in order to get the love, you gotta find the love. Cyber style. So here we go.

Pollyanna said Abraham Lincoln said: “When you look for the bad in people, expecting to find it, you surely will.” Wise, wise words. So here’s me proving that Abe is, to quote Alan Jackson, right on the money with that little phrase.

Over the last four days, eHarmony has “matched” me with a staggering 17 eligible bachelors. Oodles Boodles! I read all 17 profiles, and have extracted some of my favorite parts from each. I will mention only 10 bachelors, not because there’s nothing juicy to report from all 17 of them. I just think 17 is too long for one post, it’s overkill. If you really want to hear about the other 7, I’ll email you separately. So let’s begin:

Oh, and before I do, let me just say…the only thing I have edited is their names. Everything else is completely accurate, and I can prove it.

First we have Carl. Carl is 45 and lives in a rural part of northern California. The 3 things Carl is thankful for are God, his family and that he’s an American. Carl operates an RV Park and owns several mules. It’s like I was reading myself. A perfect bullesye, eHarm.

Next is Javier, 37 who stands 5’ 5”. The last book Javier read was, and I quote, “the left behind series the series about the apocolips.” Javier works with juvenile delinquents. I imagine the quotes from his “apocolipstick” reading he shares in group sessions would prove a powerful tool to get Tina to stop setting her mother on fire.

Tim, 36, thinks global warming is myth.

Casey, 37, is in sales, and says his personality is “what he does for a living.” What does that mean, Aristotle? You know what I do for a living? Seashore.

Orlando, 35, has six toes.
“…this little piggie had roast beef, and this little piggie had none. And this little piggie…oh. Um. This little piggy, and then this little piggy, went backpacking in the Adirondacks. And This little piggy pushed this little piggy off a cliff, who went ‘weee weee weee weee’ all the way down.”

Kevin, 45, keeps a personal autographed photo of Marie Osmond under his pillow. Blast. I don’t look a thing like Marie Osmond.

Michael, 31, and a school teacher, says: “I’am most passionate about kind and loving others.” And in case you thought maybe he’s just a sloppy typist, here is the next sentence: “I’am most passionate about music.” Michael also speaks Spanish and French. But no one understands him in those languages either.

Saul, 33, loves anything to do with eagles. Loves eagles. Also Tony Robbins. Also, “making it happen.” Also, there goes my lunch.

Adam is 40 years old, lives in the Silicon Valley, and lists three different high-profile professions under Occupation. Under “Who is Adam’s most influential person” Adam writes, “Heavenly Father, need I say more?” Yes, Adam. You really do. But first, take back everything you’ve already said.

Adam’s got a lot of balls juggling, he says, but never fear. “If there’s chemistry, you’ll be Priority 1.” Wow, really? Priority 1? I mean, if there’s chemistry, of course. Sure. I understand. Gosh, I mean…thanks. With all your balls…and stuff. It must be...juggling.

And finally, there is Sean. Sean, 33, says the first thing you’ll notice about him is his “…energy level. I am extremely high energy though I am also laid back and relaxed for the most part.” I know what you mean, Sean. It’s like with me: I’m a total narcolept, like I am always sleeping, but I am also like such an insomniac and unable to get any real sleep at all for the most part.

In conclusion, eHarmony’s field is white. Just four days, and what treasures! It’s astonishing to think, based on my four day experience with this company, that they actually reject certain applicants from posting profiles on their website. What kind of three-eyed homicidal hermaphrodite does it take to get turned down by eHarmony?

My boss’ husband, for one. He then went to and found the love of his life. They just celebrated their wedding anniversary, and couldn’t be happier. So, folks, the moral of this story, is….you tell me.


Wow, I think Tim and I would get along. Though I don't really think it's a myth; I'm just wishing we could share the "cause of the decade" title with something else for awhile.

HILARIOUS. Keep the goods coming!
Hmmmm... Interesting...
I'm honestly trying to decide if "with all your balls... and stuff" or "three-eyed homicidal hermaphrodite" is funnier. Another post, where all I can say is "WOW".
ehramonomony wurkd fer me!
Nooo, it didn't Ju. You met him at church. Remember? At church?
Demand your money back, and...I don't know something else for all the time it took you to read their profiles...I'll come up with something...
...a year's supply of Coco Crispies. Because who doesn't want those. C'mon!
There really isnt any good excuse for any of us to be single.
word, sarita. even if you've one extra appendage. there's a lid to every pot.
Dear Mary,

I saw your picture and I think you are really cute. And you seem so smart too. I think we should get to know eachother. The first thing you'll notice about me is that I'm an engineer.
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