Mary + Her Mental Health

In October of 1993 I was sitting in my car late at night, behind the Institute building next to campus, with this cute not Mormon guy I’d just met. He asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. He knew how heavily involved I was with performing, he’d seen me in a few things already. “Honestly?” I asked him. “I want to be a Mom.” I watched his face for any signs of recoil. Maybe to him I would sound unenlightened, too sheltered, too uneducated, too boring. But instead of a backspring out the passenger window and death rolling his way to the bus stop, he looked straight into my eyes and cracked the sweetest smile I’d ever seen. I had him. I had him for the next four years. Bad Boy met Mormon Girl, and both heaven and hell took turns rejoicing. But that’s a different story.

Momhood is my calling and I’ve known it forever. But balancing secular ambitions with this divinely-appointed stewardship has not been easy. How do you know when you’re closing yourself off to opportunities on either side? Am I making enough room for either to enter in? Dude, I don’t know! A few years ago, I stopped dating altogether and did nothing but music and theater. Nowadays, I hardly ever sing in public at all, but spend more time pursuing manly prospects. I don't know the practical meaning of a healthy balance, will someone please enlighten me? Actually, forget it. I'm sick of all of it. And by sick, I mean my inner soul stepping back and wretching a full-throated SCREW. THIS. I'm not happy with my countless attempts at and/either/or. Je suis finis. I toss your scurvy corpses out the tower. I shall take up weaving and be content.

No, not really.

The idea started back in January of this year, when I got my piano. I quickly acquired a few voice students, and the darndest thing happened. I found out I really like teaching. Then last April, I got the clear impression to prepare to leave my job. Over the next few months, things started to shift at work. Personal relationships in the office were tested, which only resulted in an increased incentive to look for another job. At first, I just started looking for other admin positions, but then I remembered something from a priesthood blessing. I was living below my abilities and talents, and the Lord wanted me to find better.

Teaching is such a high. It’s high-energy, high-focus. But it’s a thrill. Dad was right; when you want family, time at home, and music, teaching is far more rewarding. So I guess that’s what I’m officially choosing. With a little performing on the side, if you please.

I gave notice at work on Tuesday. When I told my boss, the blood drained from her face. She flashed the fakest smile to date and said, “Congratulations. I’m going to kill you.”

My job, by and large, has been pretty wonderful. I have amazing bosses. They give me flowers and chocolates and raises. The hours are easy, they tried to make the work interesting, the pace is ideal, and the benefits are beyond awesome. There is no logical reason whatsoever to leave this job. Okay….why did I just quit again?

I want to make something perfectly clear right now. I have no idea what I’m doing. This is all I got so far. I’m only stopping for clear, unequivocal divine interruption of considerable profundity:

Resolve One: Leave my job.

Resolve Two: Never take another full-time administrative assistant position.

Resolve Three: Accept the part-time position as piano/voice instructor with A* Music Studios in Boston. Yes, part-time.

Resolve Four: Gladly accept boss’ offer to continue working part-time temporarily at current salary until replacement is fully transitioned. Hours will be arranged around my teaching schedule.

Resolve Six: Build up private voice studio to 10 students. Um…anyone want voice lessons?

Resolve Seven: Prepare a 14 song set for performance. Get ready to actually sing in front of live people again. Capitalize on friendships with those owning guitars and audio recording expertise.

Resolve Eight: The right guy, when he gets here, will jump on board. No need to slow down for him.

Resolve Nine: 2 Nep. 31:20

Resolve Ten: Call Sally for a piano lesson. Or sixty.