Wednesday, February 13, 2008
tell me how to stop this
4:43 a.m. and I've started a blog post. Haven't slept all night. I tried to. For about an hour and a half. That started around 2:20 a.m., when I closed my book and shut off the light.
The doctors said not to try and sleep until I'm sleepy. Is it possible to be exhausted beyond description, but not sleepy? Cuz that's how I feel.
The doctors also said that if I haven't fallen asleep within thirty minutes of trying, I should get up and do something none too stimulating until I feel sleepy again. There's that word again. How can I feel sleepy again? I'm still waiting for the first sleepy.
So I made blueberry pancakes. And watched t.v. And now the lights in the senior center across from my bedroom window are on.
Last Saturday, I walked into a local fitness center on a whim and asked a sweaty body builder behind the counter if they were looking for a front desk person? He said they were, but then asked how I felt about starting at 5:00 a.m. every morning? It took a second and a half to realize that I'd probably be up anyway. I said, "Actually, that's perfect."
On the nights when I get five or six hours of sleep, it's because I've swallowed two Benadryls and a Klonopin. And this just frightens me to no end. You're saying pills are my sole ticket to Slumberville? Only a five-hour tour, and I'm paying a potentially dangerous price for it.
Right around now is when the high-pitched fuzzy ring in my head begins. Let's see...I could read, put my clean laundry away, go to the bathroom, take out the trash, read more of my book, make some herbal tea. Anyway, that's the stuff I usually do. But with the snow trucks and snow blowers buzzing outside, and the fuzzy ring ringing inside, what chance does one poor little teabag have really?
Maybe I'll just blog. What in the world do I sound like at 4:56 a.m.?
I enjoy the text messages she sends me on her ambien nights though.
You know what helped me? When I had my own place, I put the desk out of the bedroom. The only thing allowed in the bedroom was the bed and the dresser and the nightstand, and the TV and the computer and the desk and food and everything stayed out of the bedroom. No clutter, even--all that went into the other room.
What a difference that made to my mental space! I actually went to bed early sometimes and slept like a baby.
Now that I'm living in a house w/ roommates again and my desk is back in my room, I have that same cluttered mind-cluttered room feeling. I can't even get stuff done in the room in daylight--can't stand to be in it, with all the clutter, and even putting away my laundry is a chore. Which stresses me out, and makes me unable to sleep well.
I imagine you might have already tried that, if you're even a cluttered person at all, but I know that getting rid of the clutter helps me to sleep. And I try not to have a laptop on my lap after a certain hour or I'll be on it till 3 am and wake up at 5 wondering why my back and neck ache so much from not turning in my sleep!
I feel what your dealing with, I don't sleep until I have to take a pill, then I dread the next day since i wake up in the after noon and Feel like dead all dead... i even post a cartoon today about it in my blog.. (here comes the cheap plug...lol)
Mental health Humor Cartoon
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